(Re)gaining solid ground

So, yesterday I had the privilege of recording an episode for Gender: A Wider Lens with Sasha and Stella. (To be published in “a few weeks.”) We hit some interesting topics during our conversation including parents’ drive to become activists. Usually, when this comes up, I talk about how engaging in gender critical activism can pit you against your trans-IDed child, positioning you in your child’s mind as the enemy, and resulting in the sense that someone has to “win”. 

But that’s not what came to me yesterday when Sasha asked me to touch on this. What came to mind was the deeply painful sense of impotence. As non-affirming parents, we are subjected to what’s known in psychology as “learned helplessness”, a sense that no matter what we do, we can’t change the painful situation we find ourselves in. This term was coined to describe the state humans experience when repeated efforts to change one’s circumstance fail, and we’re worn down until finally, we just give up. 

I came across this term, “learned helplessness”  in my early days as a life coach and it immediately resonated. I recognized times in my life when I had experienced what I would have called impotence, and how intolerable that state was for me. I remembered what it was like to feel helpless to change the toxic culture at the school where I taught, and as a result, I chose to leave. (I discuss this situation in this conversation with frequent podcast guest, Jessie Mannisto.)

Of course, as most non-affirming parents of trans-identified young people, I experienced the deepest sense of helplessness I’d ever known when I couldn’t get my daughter to desist. Excruciating, crushing impotence. I now understood firsthand the depression and anxiety of this level of futility. And of course, I couldn’t just leave my family as I’d left my teaching career; I had to do something to feel like I could make a difference. So I turned to trying to convince the grown-ups around her. There was much futility there as well, but occasionally, someone would listen, and it made me feel hopeful–and competent←both basic psychological needs. 

But sometimes when I was talking to an adult that was captured by the ideology, I’d hear the words coming out of my mouth and know I sounded like a conspiracy theorist, I’d feel my emotional state heightening, and I’d leave the conversation feeling like I was perceived by that other person as hysterical. Okay, let’s get real, I was a bit hysterical. 

I knew I had to get better at using my knowledge of communication. I had to practice approaching these conversations from a needs-based foundation or those I wanted to persuade wouldn’t even be able to hear me. I could join the growing numbers of “the resistance,” and there would be satisfaction in that, but the two sides would remain divided and things would just continue to escalate into cultural ugliness. When backed into a corner, humans are known to dig in and defend their position. When pitted against each other in debate, the objective is no longer finding truth, but winning the argument. 

And in the meantime, my daughter’s legal autonomy was barrelling toward me. I decided to shift my focus. Operating from a place of “learned helplessness” was both unhealthy and unhelpful. 

I had to regain solid ground. I did this by employing my understanding of psychology concepts (like learned helplessness, explanatory style, universal human needs, etc.,) applying my life-coaching tools, finally practicing irl what I knew intellectually about conflict resolution and effective communication. 

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

I used the pain of this experience to inspire adaptation, to recover a sense of competence, to regain my quality of life. (I’d actually say, my quality of life is now profoundly better than it was before all this madness.)

This is one reason why I’m launching helpful concepts along the way. I know many families don’t even know where to start (this was the gist of the lost minute in this video.) I was lucky enough to have a toolkit and background knowledge that could illuminate a path out of learned helpless and back to a sense of competence and stability.

In this new content piece, we’ll dig deep into these concepts—combining them when helpful—and learn how to apply them to your situation so you’re not continuing to be worn down until you finally give up on your sanity and your quality of life. Founding members will get to participate live in the recording of these episodes of helpful concepts along the way and those who are eager to practice will get the opportunity to do so during these learning sessions. 

To learn how you can gain access to this new premium content (or whether you already have it) and what it might look and feel like to join me in this journey of healing and regaining solid ground, you can watch the first episode that I released yesterday: Introducing “helpful concepts along the way” (which I’m already thinking of renaming ‘healing concepts along the way.’ You’ll also learn how you can participate in and influence such decisions.) 

The video explains my reasoning for raising my prices on November 1 (I announce exciting changes to the structure and value of The StoicMom Project,) and how you can avoid that extra cost! If you’ve already watched the video and were on the fence, but now know which tier is for you, you can click this button to upgrade to the tier of your choice:

I’m really looking forward to sharing these tools and resources, these helpful concepts that have been so supportive to my own healing journey along the way!