Practicing Faith and Compassion
guest story
The new vision for the SMP Substack is to become a collection of transformation stories. A place to house the stories of parents who are moving through or feel they’ve emerged out the other side of “the dark night of the soul” that discovering one or more of our children have assumed trans-identities can plunge us into.
Like each human, each story submitted will be both completely unique and highly resonant to the pain so many parents have endured through this circumstance. The focus of each story that you’ll read here on the SMP is the author’s internal shift that has impacted their external experience in often surprising ways.
Here, it is the growth angle that we’re interested in spreading: discovering how to grow bigger than our problems so we’re able to stretch ourselves and make enough room in our experience for those we love. How else do we keep our families together during these divisive times?
To collect these stories, I’ve created a template with some prompts. The block quotes are the responses submitted by this story’s author.
I’m pleased to share this next story as Father’s Day approaches. This story’s author has done lots of work around her Father complex and it’s evident in the generational healing she’s experiencing as well as in her renewed faith—which has invited new energy and possibility for playful engagement with her loved ones.
The Before
What are the relevant context details to your story? What is important for the reader to know about you, your family, and your relationship with your child(ren) for them to understand the impact of your shift?
I am the mother of three daughters. I practiced attachment parenting to do the opposite of the way I was raised by an authoritarian father and submissive mother. My TI daughter was born highly sensitive, loved clothes, the arts and drama and benefited the most by my parenting style as the squeaky wheel gets the oil. When she was in her first year of college, she communicated to us her parents that she was now non-binary and changed her name and pronouns. I went along with it because I didn't want to cause a counterwill reaction with her. I felt it was a trendy choice and in line with her empathetic, artistic personality.
The following year, her attitude changed. She decided not to return to her university and wanted to attend community college. I thought it would be good for her to be around more grounded people who probably had to work to attend school, first generation college students. In hindsight without a college community around her in another city, I believe she became very lonely and spent alot of her time online. She began dating a TI young man fully medicalized and since I knew she knew that I didn't buy into the ideology, the walls began to go up between us. I think she was being told that we didn't respect her and accept her as trans.
March 2024, I found Gender A Wider Lens and I devoured content. I was always liberal and live and let live but now I saw that she had a spiritual belief that denied biological reality. Last May she told me that she was open to medicalizing . I went into a grief spiral. We tried family therapy who basically told me that I would not have a relationship with my daughter unless we got on board. Her sisters are social justice advocates and thought the problem was us. It's a very lonely place to feel ideologically opposed on this hot topic in one of the bluest cities in the bluest states silently knowing this ideology can cause family estrangment. Over this past year, my Ti daughter didn't come home except for Christmas but didn't come near her Dad nor me. Our once close relationship was no more. Gratefully during my online searches and podcast listens last May, I found Stoic Mom. I began coaching and joined the online community. I participated in listening to the videos and writing out my thoughts on the prompts.
The Shift
What caused this shift? Was it an "aha" moment? Was it something you learned somewhere? Was it a dream or an awareness that seemed to come from within? For this to be appropriate for the SMP, this shift needs to pertain to your inner world and result in a change in YOU.
The shift happened overtime when I returned to my faith of my childhood. I couldn't carry all this grief and sadness by myself. I needed to offer it up. I went to church by myself starting last summer; I had last attended church about ten years ago. On Christmas, my husband attended the Christmas Eve mass with me. Our daughters didn't want to attend. We prayed and we cried. Over the course of this Spring, our faith has deepened and we have started to be like Spring itself, finding opportunities of joy together, laughter, live music, short trips.
During this time, I also had a dream when I saw my TI daughter when she was little and so cute run across a schoolyard to hug my Dad. Stoic Mom thought that was indicative of my daughter representing me and healing the Masculine wound in me. I am also very involved with taking care of my elderly parents and I have so much compassion and love for them that up until recently I never knew I could feel towards them. Now I know they did the best they could and I did the best I could parenting my daughters. I have self compassion and love for myself as God wants for all of us.
The Impact
How has your experience changed since "the shift"? Do you feel lighter? Softer? Stronger? All three or would you describe your feelings differently? Are you parenting differently? Are you showing up differently in other relationships? Do you feel you're operating more authentically? Has your fear reduced? Has your focus shifted? These are just a few questions to help you describe the impact but feel free to share anything that you see has changed for you in what feels like healthy ways.
I am softer and want to enjoy my daughter when I have the opportunity. My TI daughter and I had a visit on Easter that really showed us the deep connection we have deep down. We laughed and talked. It was like play- very easy. I planted seeds about the regressive ideology but it wasn't the main focus. We just enjoyed each other. She told me that she is not on cross sex hormones and I see a beautiful young woman trying to find her way.
She is still with the TI young man who I have much compassion for now and attending community college with the intent to get her Associates degree first and then transfer to a four year. I hope she doesn't get anymore tattoos or piercings. It's not perfect as we would like to visit her soon where she lives and she says the idea of that makes her scared and nervous. I replied our only intention is to have fun together and enjoy each others company. I still pray for her and our family. I wish her to leave the ideology, any ideas of medicalizing and outgrow the young man but it's not my journey. As Stoic Mom says, I can't protect her from the feelings of regret. I am here for her and her sisters but I have done my job. Now I have to practice my faith.
StoicMom’s prompts for readers interested in self-discovery:
Are you experiencing grief and sadness that feels like it’s too much to bear? If so, what feeling/attitude/belief would need to emerge for you to feel like you could hold it?
How has this parenting circumstance impacted how you view your own parents and their struggles? Can you find grace for your former self—the one who did her best to raise her children and didn’t see this coming?
When was the last time it felt like play to spend time with your TI kid?
Compassion is key and we can't protect our kids from everything - including regret. We are not that powerful.
Compassion for her and for yourself…what more is there? Thank you for sharing this!