Osmosis

In defined communities, where members mingle and lean on one another, a lingo eventually emerges; a shared language that points to our shared experience, our values, our culture. We’re over two years in now, and I’m noticing the Center has accumulated quite a collection of favored terms and concepts. Some of these come from outside sources that we’ve adopted or adapted for our use; many of these come from our wise member mamas (you know who you are! Thank you).

I could write a whole article on most of these, but I thought it would be fun to share these brief descriptions that I hope capture the essence of some of our terminology. I’m sure I’ll forget many, but these will give you an idea of what members have referred to as the “sacred” and “soul-healing” culture we’ve created together.

SMP Glossary of oft-used Terms, Concepts, and Phrases:

Alpha: A term adopted from Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Attachment model. I’m grateful to Rose for helping to flesh out the meaning as Dr. Neufeld intends it. Often when we think of the term “alpha” we’re imagining a sort of bullying energy; someone who’s in command, barking orders and coercing compliance. This is not a healthy version of “alpha” according to Neufeld’s model. A healthy alpha takes the lead with both warmth and confidence, inspiring in their followers (for our purposes, these would be our children) faith in the alpha’s capacity through modeling and emotional discipline. This person can also hold the line when necessary without feeling threatened by disapproval. This is clearly an ideal. Because we’re human, we’re bound to screw it up sometimes; thank goodness for grace! (See below.)

Co-rumination: To ruminate is a process of unrelenting yet passive negative thoughts that worsen a depressed mood. To co-ruminate is to spiral with another into a vortex of blame and self-pity. In the SMP, we commit to seeing and acknowledging each other’s difficult experiences, but the community acts as a net meant to catch you from falling too deep into an unhelpful, ruminative state. We have a brilliant leadership team that models this rather than policing the conversations, and I’m amazed at how quickly the moms get this and provide this gentle net for one another.

Dark Night of the Soul: a painful period of emotional darkness during which we’re invited to embrace new ways and attitudes because our old ways are no longer working for us. We recognize dark nights as developmental and necessary to our personal evolution. Dark nights are often brought on by destabilizing personal circumstances and serve as the impetus for change.

Grace: this is definitely one of our favorite words/concepts. Looking up in Google, the description that best suits how we use it is this: “Undeserved favor. Grace cannot be earned; it is something that is freely given.” In the SMP, we recognize that everyone is doing the best they can, and suffering is a universal human experience. To find grace in our hearts and offer it to others and ourselves while on this painful life journey together, is healthy and compassionate.

Individuation: 1. We use this term to describe the biologically driven process our children will move through as they come of age in the world, intended to ensure that we, their parents, become clear that they are separate beings with their own will and destiny. Even strongly attached children—and maybe even more so in this case—must push us away to make it possible to separate from us and launch into adulthood.

Individuation: 2. also applies to the process we’ll be invited into during midlife, often around the same time our children are individuating from us, to integrate our shadow parts and become whole; individuating from the culture and shifting our locus of control from external to internal. This is how we gain access to inner peace and connect to our purpose here. We’ll often be called into this process through a dark night of the soul.

Loved, held, guided, and never alone: This is a phrase adopted from the work of Dr. Lisa Miller, author The Awakened Brain and founder of the Spirituality Mind Body Institute at Columbia University. When Dr. Miller uses this term, she is describing what she insists is our birthright: to feel secure in our connections with each other, to Life, and to our intuition (that many see as the guidance of a higher power and that she calls God.) When it’s employed in the SMP, I use it to compare this sense of being held by a higher power to what we want to provide for our children through healthy attachment. If they know they are “loved, held, guided, and never alone” they feel safe in this world to be themselves. (This doesn’t mean they won’t play with identities along the way.)

The Nonsense: offered by one of our founding members, this quickly became shorthand for anything having to directly do with our TI children’s worldview and its impact on our families.

The Obstacle is the Way: this is a Stoic principle that is shorthand for the recommended orientation with pain. We practice noticing when circumstances create difficult and painful emotions for us and ask ourselves the question, “What am I meant to learn from this?” or “What new capacity is emerging for me as a result of this circumstance?” We aim to model this for our children rather than allowing their pain to destabilize us.

Offering the Plate: A phrase we use to describe our alternative to giving advice or demanding that another (usually our children) do things our way. When we “offer the plate” we are not attached to whether the person we’re offering it to accepts and follows our suggestion. When it comes to our children, this may be how we share important information–that which we believe they need to hear from the mouth of their mother. Once we offer the plate, we’ve fulfilled our parental obligation. What they do with the information is beyond our control.

Telegraphing: a word used to describe the messages we’re communicating to our children. It applies to both verbal and nonverbal communication and even the stories we hold of them in our minds. We recognize that our children pick up on and live into our stories of them, so it’s important to be mindful of how we hold them in our thoughts. Being intentional in what we’re “telegraphing” through our words, thoughts, and behavior is a powerful way to influence our children and their outcomes–without coercion.

Unconditionality: I first learned this term through the work of my friend and mentor, Scott Noelle who defines it in his article here, as “a state of mind in which you are willing to allow well-being into your experience…NO MATTER WHAT” For me it’s another, more attractive way to describe the Eastern idea of “non-attachment”. If we have access to unconditionality, we move through the world in charge of our own emotional state rather than giving our power to external conditions to determine the quality of our lives. For most, this giving away of our power is unconscious. If we consciously develop unconditionality in ourselves, we take charge of our emotional state and have agency over the quality of our experience. I’d say this one has not been fully adopted into the SMP lexicon, but I keep revisiting it with the intention it will eventually be.

Words are powerful and they shape our experience. Sometimes we’re completely unaware that something exists until someone names it for us. Now we have agency when it comes to that thing, that emotion, that process. Ancient traditions viewed words as magical, and if you think about the power they have over how we experience our lives, I’d have to agree.

What blows my mind is how the majority of our words are acquired. Much like our worldviews and attitudes, they are mostly unconsciously absorbed, beginning from birth. Our brains are tuned into the energy, the ways of being, the language in our environments. Humans are learners, and this is how most of what we use daily in our survival is obtained: osmosis.

Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash

Even recently, I’ve caught myself using words I was never taught or had never used before. I’ll often think to myself, “Huh! I hope I used that right.” Sometimes I’ll look it up, and while not 100%, it usually conveys just what I intended. Like magic?

What are you absorbing these days? Are the environments you get to choose for yourself offering healthy, nourishing content? When you take to the internet, are you conscious of what you’re seeking? Shifting from content and communities that breed a sense of righteousness and division to those which provide hope and bring out the best in you is one of the most effective ways to also shift your experience.

If you’re the mom of a TI kid and you’re struggling to stay healthy and grounded, it might be time to consider “relocating” to a new online community that can support you to this end. If you’d like to be considered for membership in the private, vetted SMP Center, you can apply here: bit.ly/SMPCenter

Just a reminder that doors are closing to new members January 31 until we relaunch later this year. (Date and cost still TBD.)

p.s. I’d also encourage considering the impact of what you’re regularly absorbing on those in your orbit. Our kids are always learning from our ways of being; this osmosis is working on them too. They’re tuned into us and pick up on our vibes. Their minds will make up narratives to explain the feelings our vibes create for them, so we want to take care to telegraph (see glossary above) intentionally.