November in the SMP
Winter Holiday Season Begins…
We’re making our annual trek to SoCal to celebrate Thanksgiving with our dear family friends. We were adopted long ago into their extended families, my kids gaining extra “relatives” who dote on them and celebrate our visits. On the way there and back, we’ll pass through another hub of loved ones, this time actual relatives. We’ll get to spend time with a few of my sisters and their many children (14 among the three of them) as well as another adult niece, her hubby and their two littles. Seeing as how we live in a location that is geographically isolated from any of our roots, this trip gives us plenty of opportunity for a big dose of love and belonging.
Unfortunately my daughter won’t be joining. I put in some concerted effort to get her down there with us, but her efforts were less concerted and eventually the window of affordable opportunity had passed. I think she’s okay with this: experiencing her first big holiday with her young adult community rather than with us. She says she and her friends, “don’t feel really good about celebrating this holiday,” and she’s looking forward to joining in a friend’s birthday celebration that she hasn’t been able to attend in years past due to this annual road trip of ours. I’ll miss her but I’m okay with it too. I get it.
And we’ll get to see her next month. She can’t afford the time off or the journey home for Christmas, so we’ve booked a VRBO to take the holiday to her. I really see it as a win/win–for me anyway ;). Christmas just isn’t as magical for me as it once was, and I’m looking forward to an opportunity to do something other than the same-O. We got a big enough place that I’m hoping she’ll invite her friends who don’t have families in town with whom they can spend the holiday.
Changing the Game
What about you? Fun holiday plans? In our monthly meeting last Sunday, I encouraged moms to use the holidays as an opportunity to practice letting go of expectations. So often we go into these family events with a clear vision of how things will play out for everyone’s maximum enjoyment and satisfaction. And so often, a character in our vision refuses to play their role in real life, and we wind up disappointed, either angry at them for “ruining everything” or beating ourselves up for not better controlling all aspects of the celebration.
As with Life in general, we can only do so much preparation. I encourage focusing on the preparation that energizes you and consciously taking pleasure in the tasks, doing them because they please you not because you expect a certain reaction from those who will be invited to benefit from your efforts. Make sense? Infuse what you’re doing with love not expectation, and you’re far less likely to feel resentment if someone doesn’t respond the way you envisioned they should.
Maybe you beat me to this awareness–it took me awhile to get it! From Embracing the Mess, a reflection of mine from 2018:
It’s taken me a long time—seriously years of intentional practice—to come to a place in myself that allows for endless possibilities instead of the one imagined outcome, and to realize that each person in my family is an individual with his or her own agenda. Best to enter into situations with curiosity rather than expectation. And then be okay with messy. Life is messy and there’s beauty in the mess.
If you bring a playful attitude of curiosity and you’re looking for magic rather than perfection, then you’ve set yourself up to roll with any surprises with grace and humor. Sometimes our fondest memories are formed as a result of the most unexpected kinks in our plans…
The SMP Community Center
Speaking of the online community and our last meeting, we had quite a few new faces when we came together for November’s zoom gathering. (We’re working on offering additional synchronous components for more live connection.) I am always so blown away by the mamas who are attracted to this project! We really have such a great group that continues to grow. With each new mom comes a wealth of wisdom and a model of resilience to add to the magic within the forum.
It was important to me that the SMP did not become the StoicMom Show–the vision was for it to become a community of moms who are seeking to both give and receive with the type of open, loving vulnerability that I think only happens in spaces that are exclusively female. When women in midlife that have all been to “some version of hell” are ready to come together to capitalize on that experience, to glean the lessons and share their wisdom, well–it becomes a source of hope and light and new possibilities.
And I’m pretty dang proud that this is exactly what it has become. One new mom said as we were wrapping up Sunday’s meeting (shared with permission,)
I’m just glad to be part of this group. Thank you for sharing everything. I really feel different at the end of this session than I have in other forums so it’s just like a real breath of fresh air. I feel empowered (to try new things) and I’m going to try to live that through Thanksgiving too! -mother to 4 teen girls, one of whom is trans-identified
If you’d like more information and a chance to join at the discounted price of $210 (good through November, regularly $255) for a full year’s membership, please visit https://the-stoicmom-project.mn.co and scroll down below the header image. (This is a private, vetted community so filling out the application is a requirement to join. This begins the vetting process and I may reach out to you for additional details if I feel I need more to ensure a good fit.)
As I mentioned, I’ll be traveling next week so I don’t expect to publish anything while we’re away. I do plan to check email and so will be notified if community applications are submitted (though my response time may be a bit slower than usual.) If you want to get in on the goodness going on in the forum as a way to support yourself through the season, the beauty of online community is it’s always there. The SMP is known to be a place you can go to feel lifted up—if you’re into that. ;)
I hope you’re able to focus on what you’re grateful for this holiday season and that you have many moments of close connection, laughter, and joy with your loved ones. Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
StoicMom