May in the SMP

Photo by Yoksel 🌿 Zok on Unsplash

Mother’s Day is nearly upon us! I know this holiday can be really painful for many of my subscribers. I certainly struggled for several years. Last year, I decided to handle the holiday quite differently than in recent years past. I seized the opportunity to celebrate myself as a mother and to recognize that maybe we’re meant to learn more (or at least as much) from our children as they’re meant to learn from us. They will certainly reflect our shadow, giving us an opportunity to heal old wounds and work to get closer to our ideal selves. In honor of myself, I didn’t leave the festivities up to others to plan, setting myself up for pain and disappointment. Instead, I took it upon myself to make the day a celebration of my growth as a mom. This is from an email that went out to subscribers just after Mother’s Day last year: 

First, I want to share that I had a really good Mother’s Day! Instead of feeling sorry for myself as I’ve done the last several years (which I think is an important part of the process: grieving our unmet expectations of parenthood,) I decided to take responsibility for my experience and to truly celebrate the self-awareness and alignment that the growing pains of my daughter’s trans-IDed adolescence have brought me. I got up early to start preparing food and made sure to include items in our brunch I knew my children would like; I treated myself to DIY lavender lemonade mimosas and a great conversation with my own mother. I wrote and gave each of my kids a heartfelt letter focusing on what I love about them and what I’m proud of along with some of my favorite “you and me” memories. I wasn’t expecting anything from my children but to show up to brunch and yet, they each gave me a small gift (I think with some encouragement from Hubby) that reflected their personalities and our unique connection. My son even gave me a hug! A long, heartfelt hug that I’m still basking in…

I’ve taken charge again this year and am still working out how to best communicate to my children how grateful I am that I get to parent them and how much they’ve taught me about myself and what it means to be human in these strange times. 

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conversations along the way 

You may have noticed there hasn’t been a podcast episode in some months. I gave myself some grace while launching the new online community at Mighty Networks. I hope communitiy members would agree that it’s a space packed with resources and support for moms who share the circumstance that brings most of you here: parenting children who’ve adopted trans identities. I do have an interview for the podcast scheduled, and it’s going to be tight, but I’m hoping to publish before Mother’s Day; I’ll be talking with a coach who recognizes and works with women trying to do the developmental work of midlife while still in the throes of parenting. 

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Better late than never. 

It’s been just over a year since PITT reposted an article that really launched this Substack into the awareness of others who’ve found themselves in the upside down world of parenting one or more trans-identified kids. Happy (late) Anniversary to what I’d hoped would be a short term project that instead has turned into a full-time career and a way of life. Here’s the article that started it all:  

Defining “Trans” 

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Inside the SMP Community Center

In the Center, some members are working on creating their own Personal Life Philosophies. These are living documents that capture your values (this–or any–destabilizing experience can be an invitation to reassess and discover what’s most important to you right now) and serve to help ground you and provide guidance, resulting in more ease and authenticity.

These are some updates I plan to add to my Personal Life Philosophy: 

For the “Basic Assumptions” section: 

To be fully resourced, we need healthy attachment with other humans and sometimes the only way to create these attachments is to heal ourselves. To discover our shadow, we need simply pay attention to our triggers. Our loved ones mirror the work we have left to do. It is in relationship that we discover our unique “map” guiding us to a sense of meaning and purpose, toward the fullest expression of our authentic selves. A wise woman I know described it this way: “relationship as guru.”

I think I’m also going to add a section called, “Guiding Questions”:

Whenever I find myself asking “Why me?” I want to change the question to: “What am I meant to learn from this?” 

When engaged with others, are my thoughts and actions: 

~Creating a sense of division or connection? 

~Coming from a place of righteousness/judgment or curiosity? 

~Rooted in rigidity or agility? 

~Defensive or seeking to understand the other person’s experience? 

~Conveying hostility or compassion? 

A community member shared something similar to this just the other day, and I love it so am adopting it and adding it to the “Guiding Principles” section: 

“I’m so excited to discover who I am going to be on the other side of ______________ (this hard, hard thing–whatever it is)!”

And finally, it’s Self-Compassion month in the Center, and this will be the topic at our monthly Zoom discussion coming right up on Saturday, May 13. If you know you could use more self-compassion in your life, you still have time to get vetted and look over the resources so you can join the other amazing moms who come to our virtual monthly meet-up! 

It’s finally spring in my part of the world, and I’m thrilled to be spending so much time letting the sun warm my skin, the intoxicating scent of spring flowers and the chorus of birdsong filling my days with so much Life. I love spring, and it seems to get shorter each year so I’m soaking up as much of it as I can!

In case I don’t get another chance to say it before next weekend, Happy Mother’s Day!