Well, I must say, I’ve made quite a mess. Sometimes that happens when it’s time to update old stories. Everything comes unraveled, and we have to dig through the giant pile of tangled remnants to find the usable threads, tend to the raw ends, and weave something new. And often, what we’re weaving isn’t shaping up to be anything like we envisioned, or we find we’re missing some material or don’t have the right tools to make it work, so we have to undo it, imagine something different, and start over. When it’s really messy, this happens repeatedly.
This pretty much describes my year (and my life) so far. As messy as it might sound, it’s quite fun, often even exhilarating—in between the bouts of frustration and disappointment. Like most people’s lives, I imagine? I do think my tolerance for the mess has always been higher than most; I grew up in chaos, with family as the one constant. When someone asks me where I’m from, I give them an untidy answer, “oh, here and there, kinda all over.” I was the 4th in birth order and this made me one of the older kids. It took years for my husband to acclimate to the noise level when my side of the family gathers. (I might be kidding myself that he has.)
My point is just that I’m pretty okay with messy, but this doesn’t always make for the kind of structured, well-thought out growth strategies that comfort those around me. I was quite proud of myself for entering the year with more of a clear vision and a plan than usual. All that order was pretty short-lived. Now, I’m picking up the pieces and regrouping; finding the usable threads and reweaving.
I’d like to say that the online community is almost ready for new members, but I’m not sure how truthful that is. It might be? Here’s what I do know:
I’ve gotten quite clear on who it’s for. What we do. And why we do it. It is not a typical support group for parents of ROGD kids. It never was, but it’s been a process of discovery to pinpoint where in the experience a mama has to come to in order to benefit from membership in the SMP.
It has much to do with story. Our narratives and how they’re working out for us. It has to do with pain and our relationship to it. It has to do with our tolerance of the mess and our readiness to embrace our humanity and that of others. It has to do with how broken we feel and whether we’re ready to recognize what’s working and what needs to go. And it has to do with our capacity for grief.
Because the stories we weave–whether consciously or not–will shape our experience, I’ve adopted a weaving theme and have renamed the online center where we gather to do what we do: The Tapestry.
Here’s a description that has been a long time in the making (and is subject to evolution. Getting okay with change and uncertainty is part of the program.) Read it carefully to see how it lands in you:
Who We Are:
A circle of mothers drawn together by the disorienting, often heart-wrenching experience of parenting through rupture caused by conflicting worldviews among family members. We are women who have chosen to let these destabilizing moments provide the context for our growth—to allow our pain to invite more wisdom, wholeness, and authenticity to emerge for us.
What We Do:
We gather to untangle and reweave our stories. Through thoughtful prompts, deep reflection, and honest sharing, we use the raw material of our experiences of motherhood to strengthen our inner threads. Rather than aiming to change our children, we soften our hearts and grow ourselves bigger—becoming spacious enough to hold both the ache and the awe of motherhood.
The Outcome:
A living tapestry of transformation. As we do this work together, we discover that the very experiences that once unraveled us can be rewoven into sources of strength, meaning, and connection. No longer afraid, we free ourselves to embrace life again with vitality, integrity, and grace—more at home in ourselves, and more alive to the beauty still unfolding.
While I would say there’s no certain length of time you need to spend in your ‘dark night of the soul’--it will be different for everyone–to be a good candidate for the community, you just need to recognize that what you’re currently doing is no longer working, and be open to exploring the stories and attitudes that are keeping you suspended in a sense of helplessness, agony, or potentially even more scary: disintegration.
It’s important that you’re willing to entertain the idea that the excruciating pain you’ve been enduring is purposeful, accept that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and be ready to move toward the complete uncertainty and whole new way of being that lies on the other side.
Oh, and being okay with the idea that something healthy, alive, even joyful could be born out of what is likely your life’s most excruciating circumstance. If you’re convinced that it’s not okay for you to be okay while it seems the world is crashing down around you, it’s not a deal breaker, but know that you’ll be invited to examine the usefulness of that story as well.
It might be that you totally get what I’m saying and have been engaged in this transformative process; you recognize the path I’m describing and can locate yourself on it. If this is you, and you’re feeling the isolation that comes with choosing something that so few seem able to relate to, we’d love you to consider joining us and continuing the work in the company of other mamas who get it: this strange and foreign path, the one that reorients us toward meaning and wholeness.
I do want to take a moment and express my deepest, sincerest gratitude for the mamas who’ve trusted me and themselves enough to take the leap and explore this community along the way. This goes equally for those who are actively engaged and continue to find value in the invitation to grapple and reweave our stories as well as for those who found the experience didn’t align with where they were or what they were working toward.
Witnessing a mama’s transformation makes my heart soar, and many have experienced this and moved on, happy to leave the confusing world of gender and identity behind and get on with their lives. Others left because their minds sought a different path, and this contributed to much clarity around how to describe the purpose of the SMP and its exquisite Tapestry of Mama Stories that includes all who’ve touched it. Thank you for contributing yours—it’s helped to clarify the vision! I truly hope your path is bringing you what you desire.
I have to wonder, too, if mamas touched in to discover it wasn’t yet their time, or the emerging shape of the community wasn’t quite right yet. I even suspect some mamas in this category remain in membership, quietly watching from the sidelines–maybe this describes how you move through life in general, or this is simply how you find yourself moving through this part. It’s all good. If at some point, the shape of things beckons more strongly, you’ll feel the tug and I hope you don’t resist it; you’ll find no judgement here.
To the mamas who are engaged right now, still letting heartbreak unravel you or sitting in the tangled web of painful stories, sorting through the threads, and patiently, courageously attempting a new weave…Jeesh! It brings tears to my eyes as I think of each of you and I’m overwhelmed with love, gratitude, and compassion.
And for those who’ve discovered that it was always about letting go, whose grip on old stories has loosened, an awareness slowly dawning that somewhere along the way, you slipped through the tunnel opening into that field of breathtaking beauty–I know you know what it means to land in a life that’s too full to talk about.
To all the beautiful mamas out there, no matter where you are or what you’re moving toward, what parts of you are alive and which have slipped away, know that you are adding to an even larger Tapestry of Motherhood: a profound experience that I now see is its own rite, its own spiritual journey meant to invite the deepest self-discovery, attune us to our inner authority, and forge us into purer and more potent versions of ourselves.
I didn’t realize this was going to turn out as a belated Mother’s Day message, but there you go. From StoicMom to all the Mamas, with love.
p.s. If the description of The Tapestry calls strongly to you, I want to create a way to welcome you in instead of insisting you wait until it’s “ready” and the current remodel is complete. It will be always evolving, and if you don’t mind coming in while it’s still a little messy, I’d encourage you to fill out the new application:
For those who know they’re ready for something new and want to take me up on this, please know that I’m committed to helping you settle in! We’ll bring you in gently and ensure you know your way around and how to get the most from your membership. This particular opening will be available through the end of May.
You’re right, it is like weaving a tapestry… Untangling the knots and creating a more cohesive, beautiful fabric. Thank you for accompanying us with patience and sensitivity in this challenging and messy endeavor!