March '25 in the SMP
treasures in the darkness
“At first it got darker…”
I’d like to start this newsletter with a shout-out to
for graciously and swiftly responding to my invitation to write about how, as she said to me, “at first, it got darker”. This past weekend, she published her description of this experience in an article titled, The Darkest Darkness. I encourage you to give it a read and if you haven’t subscribed to her Stack yet, I do highly recommend! Walk With Mom also generously welcomes me to engage with her content in response pieces, like this one: Who do they need us to be?To help us all better recognize and understand the darkness, and its purpose in our lives, I’d like to borrow a few quotes from her again. Let’s start with this one,
In my darkest moments, I was isolated from my closest family and friends, aching from loss, grieving for innocence, and furious that the culture had stolen my child; I felt as though I had been hit by a truck, dumped on the roadside, left for dead. Everything looked and felt different. I could not talk to anyone about what I was experiencing. I was lost, disoriented, wondering where I was, who I was, and what had happened to my known life.
If you follow my work, you’re probably aware that I see much value in the human experience of “the dark night of the soul.” It plays an important role in the redemptive Hero’s arc of the human experience—essentially, it’s developmental, necessary even, if we’re to discover how to grow bigger than our insoluble problems and mature into wholeness.
Yet, most of us are terrified of this experience of darkness, and of course we are! Who wants to feel like they’ve been “hit by a truck, dumped on the roadside, left for dead”? And unfortunately, we’ve also been conditioned to be suspicious of and avoid the dark. When things feel this painful, we tend to think there’s something wrong with us.
Further into her piece, WalkWithMom shares this,
When I first heard that phrase — “dark night of the soul” — I experienced a moment of relief. I knew immediately it described my situation; that was exactly where I was. And suddenly, while I had been lost before, I could now locate myself within a known human experience — a terrible one, but at least a place that was known to others. It was a start.
I’ve described my own dark night many times and in many ways in the hopes that others will recognize the place I’m describing and see it as the invitation to our own healing that it is. I hope to collect many descriptions of the darkness and the impending transformation it portends. You’ll likely recognize a version of it in every piece of guest content here on the SMP.
I aim to normalize these dark nights for parents, providing resources to help you feel emboldened to embrace your shadow work as Walk With Mom describes doing in her article. I’m passionate about spreading the idea that we can shine a light in the darkness and learn that it’s much less intimidating than we thought; that we’ve left important parts of ourselves in the dark and it’s time to love and embrace these scared, childlike parts who hold much energy, creativity, and playfulness in the shadow with them.
The first step is recognizing this is where you are emotionally. Like Walk With Mom mentioned, there can be instant relief in “locating (yourself) within a known human experience.” I also want to assure you that there’s a way through this dark night of the soul; that the sense of disorientation and helplessness are temporary and what you need to move through it is already within you, if you trust the answers are there and find the courage to approach and learn from the shadow.
The rewards of this work cannot be overstated: A whole new way of being that unburdens you of what (I know quite well) can feel like the weight of the world. More energy, creativity, and lust for life. An inner stability that’s not subject to the unpredictable tides of culture. These are just some of the treasures that await you on the other side. But I want to be straight with you here, and echo Walk With Mom, “at first it (gets) darker.”
And while no one can go into that dark, scary place for you—it’s vitally important that you become your own hero—this doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. While solitude is important for you to find your way, participating in community with others who are doing similar work can do much to bolster you for the journey. Having a guide to reflect your efforts, offer insights about your blind spots, and help soften your defenses can also make this self-exploration much less daunting.
I’ll likely return to Walk With Mom’s poignant piece, The Darkest Darkness, in the future to help me describe other components of the transformation, but to begin to identify the arc, you can compare Walk With Mom’s experiences to what I describe in The Paradox of Motherhood.
Memento Mori
One of the many treasures I discovered in the darkness was a new orientation to painful external circumstances. Instead of asking “Why me?” my go-to question (taken from the work of Dr. Lisa Miller) has become “What is life telling me right now?”
In previous newsletters this year, I mentioned that the revisioning of the SMP was still in process and I held out on sharing too many details because there were delicate elements to navigate to ensure the stability of some of the collaborations. As you all know, we live in tricky times.
My contribution has since been cancelled from the “upcoming parenting project”. (Early subscribers to The Parenting Paradox know a bit more about this collaboration.)
Another treasure in the darkness is our increased capacity for uncertainty! “Memento mori” as the Stoics say—remember (everything) dies. I think it’s important to share with you what happened that led to this cancellation, and I’ll be doing so in TPP’s first (or maybe second) podcast episode.
Magical Media Fairy Dust
To help me tell the cancellation story with as much grace as possible, I’ve invited the SMP’s new Magical Media Fairy, Regina, to join me in conversation! I was SO excited to have one of our very own SMP community members respond to my plea for help to make the podcast a sustainable offering again! (Be prepared for an excess of exclamation points in this section!)
There aren’t many more things that are more satisfying to me than when what seems like a cosmic win-win-win flows into my life. All the tasks that had come to feel daunting and draining and made the podcast seem undoable for me have the opposite effect on Regina, who is excited by all that media alchemy and considers it play!! I asked the Universe (via the Internet) for help, and voila! (And she’s going to be helping me with other things too. Feels a lot like treasure to me! )
And that means the podcast is back! I’ve had such great feedback from you about the audio content, so I’m thrilled to be able to offer it again! Please note that we’ll be working on a new “look” and will launch from The Parenting Paradox. There may be occasional episodes here on the SMP, but regular, bi-weekly episodes (that will be published opposite of the Attachment Matters episodes—also coming soon! This means even more audio content than before!!) will be offered through the new platform. Regina and I will explain more about why it needs to be this way in our early conversations on TPP.
I know I speak for both of us when I request your patience as Regina and I start to play together with new podcasting tools and discover our rhythm! (Okay, that’s the last exclamation point…I think.) We’re planning to bring you along for the ride.
Whew. (Notice that punctuation restraint?) I hope I didn’t overload with this newsletter. If only you knew how much I held back! (So close.) More exciting news next month…