Let’s play “Spin the Story”
My daughter recently ran out of gas on her way home from a work meeting. She knew to call AAA, but because she didn’t have her wallet with her, they weren’t able to help her.
A stranger stopped to ask her what was happening. That person left and returned a few minutes later with a full gas can that she could use to fill her car and get herself to a gas station.
These are the facts of the situation. How do we make meaning of them?
It’s pretty easy to see how irresponsible it was to not only allow her car to run so low on gas that she ran out (she was actually on her way to a gas station) but she also didn’t have her identification on her?!
A lone, teenage girl on the side of the road. That’s not safe!!
She called her dad while stranded and waiting for the stranger to return with the gas. I have to admit he did me proud by lifting up the kindness of strangers, and how this wasn’t the first time that generous responders had come to her aid.
When I texted her about her adventure, she replied with, “yeah. It was more just a pain than anything.”
Is this a story about her irresponsibility? With her history with cars (this is her third; the other two totaled through no fault of her own—at 19,) no one could blame her for owning a story of bad luck. Yet, if we focus on how others have responded to her, it can also be a story of generous strangers in a friendly universe. All three are equally true.
Which feels best and supports her experience of herself? Which story should we reinforce?
(Yes, I see that there are potential dangers, but what is the true likelihood of those frightening outcomes? Some might argue that we make her more vulnerable by not reinforcing stranger danger. I welcome your thoughts in the comments.)
Speaking of my daughter and vehicles and responsibility…she spent her tax return on a new stereo and speakers that she installed in herself in her 30-year-old pick-up. Those are the facts of the story…
Introducing a new podcast series!
In case you missed it, Rose and I published Ep 1 of Attachment Matters, a series of conversations between two moms who love to nerd out on the subject of attachment. We’ll dive into what it is, what it isn’t, what it relates to, what it can mean for parenting, and how it can help us explain the current state of things…we invite you to join in on the conversation!
Ep 1 of Attachment Matters: How we got here
The SMP Community Center
This month we’re exploring what goes into viewing the world through “A Compassionate Lens” which is the title of Module 3 of the Foundations Course that comes with SMP membership. One of our members recently shared links to David Foster Wallace’s famous commencement speech to a 2005 graduating liberal arts cohort. The speech is titled, This is Water. I’d previous only heard provocative and powerful quotes from this speech, but found DFW’s words about “capital T, Truth” to be in complete alignment with my own worldview and the intended culture within the community. The subtitle of his book by the same name is, “Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life”
The link to This is Water page contains both audio recording and transcript for this engaging and impactful speech. As with most things about compassion, I think DFW’s message in this speech is more relevant and needed than ever. I strongly encourage you to give it a read and/or a listen. Even if you’ve already done so. Do it again. Maybe spend some time with it, come back to it, make sense of it, and if you’re interested in living a compassionate life, apply it. As he points out, this is easier said than done.
We never got to my discussion prompts at last Sunday’s meeting because our member shares offered plenty to play with and practice applying a compassionate lens to, but this was one I had planned:
How might your experience shift if you were able to more consistently apply a compassionate lens? One that assumes best intentions and a generous assessment of human nature? One that recognizes what we have in common, and that we all suffer pain and tragedy?
If you’re struggling to access this lens, it might have much to do with the stories you’re immersing yourself in. For Stoicmom’s thoughts on how and why you might want to assess what you’re feeding your mind, read my latest article:
You’ll get much support to make this shift within our Mighty Network aka The SMP Community Center. We offer two times per month to join in the live Monthly Theme Discussion, so we’ll be talking about “a compassionate lens” again the evening of March 21.
We’re also launching Wednesday Wisdom this month. These are daytime discussions that will happen on 1st and 3rd Wednesdays of the month. We’ll come together to share our latest insights and what’s going well for us, and see what comes alive for us for discussion. At the SMP, we embrace the Stoic tenet of “The Obstacle is the Way” so our meetings never devolve into co-rumination.
As one of our moms once said, “I pay attention to how I feel after I have engaged in a space. I’m in a lot of different support groups… but consistently when I engage [in the SMP] I feel better. I just feel good. I feel good in the space, and when I leave and go about my day, I feel good. And I cannot say that about any other space consistently...being able to be in a better place, it means a lot.”
Sometimes our anger is important for us. I recently heard someone say, “Anger is Sad’s bodyguard” and sometimes Sad needs a bodyguard! But if you’re ready to shift your experience, and you recognize the power of community to help you do this, I invite you to apply to join us. This is a private, vetted, paid community for moms who’ve been destabilized by the circumstance of parenting a trans-IDed child and are seeking ways to resource themselves to better handle what’s happening in their lives. Here’s that application.
Spring is rapidly approaching. I find Spring’s invitation to growth and more Life absolutely irresistible. It fills me with a giddy sense of awe and wonder. It will be some time still before we see green buds of new growth in the cold climate where I live, but we’re getting teased these days with plenty of warm sunshine. Getting outside, moving my body, and feeling that warmth on my face—I love how it brings such hope for renewal. Maybe 2024 is the year you let the light back in?
Irresponsible to run out of gas? Yes. But so what? Who hasn't done plenty of irresponsible things in their lives? Let's hope that's the worst your daughter can come up with!
It seems that driving is one of the most dangerous things we do on a regular basis. Every time we get in the car, we are trusting our fellow humans (maybe dozens, maybe hundreds, maybe thousands of them depending on where you are driving) to be driving mindfully, not distracted by a phone or their own thoughts or too much alcohol or too little sleep or whatever.
And yet, because it is such a mundane and regular occurrence, we conveniently forget the inherent danger involved in operating large machinery at unnatural speeds with lots of other people on the roads. So it's ironic that stopping by the side of the road is seen as such a dangerous thing to do.
Reminding each other of the kindness of the many humans we share this beautiful planet with seems like a good idea. It's important to counteract the relentless negativity that seems to permeate so much media these days. We need something snappy and pithy to replace "If it bleeds it leads".
No ID? Really? I say she's very lucky with all the story's these days about abductions (that depends on the area she was in of course). If she isn't gonna have her wallet why doesn't she have a PIC of the AAA card on her phone?
I assume she would pay for gas with her phone? At least when CBDC'S arrive she'll be ready!!