July '24 in the SMP
Thoughts on Freedom
Each month in the online community, we explore a theme and end the month with some reflection questions to help consolidate any new information from the resources and prompts that were shared. In June, we were exploring the relationship between frustration, futility, and radical acceptance. Some moms choose to share their reflections in the group. Here’s Regina’s reflection (shared with permission):
I like to look up the definitions of words, even (especially) common ones, like frustration and freedom. This is the first definition that pops up for frustration:
noun
The act of preventing the accomplishment or fulfillment of something.
It seems ironic to me that the feeling of frustration may be the very thing preventing us from accomplishing or fulfilling whatever (*we think*) we want.
And here is the definition of freedom:
noun
the quality or state of being free: such as the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action.
What I'm starting to figure out is that "frustration" is the antithesis of "freedom'. (It's only taken me 5+ decades to get this, but here I am.) Frustration usually seems to be generated by external influences. Someone not acting or thinking the way I believe they should, or a situation that is not playing out the way I think it should. Freedom, on the other hand, is my ability to be okay, maybe even to thrive, in spite of external circumstances and other people living their lives as they see fit.
Wanting someone else to change is a ME problem, not a them problem. I have worked really hard to accept my family as they are: celebrators of and participants in an ideology that I believe refutes reality and is therefore dangerous. But in that acceptance, I am now free to engage with them on so many other levels and in so many other ways. Which is a reminder to both them and me that we are vastly more than this one thing that we (strongly) disagree on. And our relationships have grown and deepened in ways that would not have been possible if I was still waiting for them to change. That's freedom.
I love the idea that true freedom is understanding where our agency lies and choosing for ourselves how we respond to other people and circumstances that show up in our experience.
Regina is one of the amazing moms in our online community. For more about her and how she’s choosing to meet the challenges of navigating differing world views in her own home, you can listen to my conversations with her on the podcast:
More from the mamas:
It’s hard to beat a “room” of committed, loving moms! I left today’s meeting feeling blown away by the rich conversation, new perspectives, and nuggets of wisdom that were shared.
Within the last few weeks, this beautiful quote was posted by one of our members that captures what Life feels like when we surrender to its flow:
Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful.
―L.R. Knost
A few more recent quotes from the Stoic mamas that make up our online community (again, shared with permission):
It’s easy sometimes to think of this moment in time in a crystallized way like it’s set in stone. But our relationship with our children and ourselves ebbs and flows and changes...I think someday our kids will realize just how deeply they have been loved by us. Maybe they already have a sense of it. And we have grown so deeply as women, humans, mothers through the difficulties. -Marie
I was thinking how important this community has been for me, redirecting things I put my energy into. I used to do a lot of doom scrolling on Twitter and the internet. These things nurtured fear and helplessness. My situation did not change but I started putting more energy into nurturing myself and finding meaning in this experience.
So much gratitude for the moms in the community who continue to inspire me with their deep wisdom, their courage and commitment to keep growing through this, and for providing the majority of the content for this newsletter!
In the works…
SMP subscribers can look forward to the following podcast conversations that will be published by the end of the month (now available on Spotify! Search “Stoicmom Project”):
Episode 8 of Attachment Matters where Rose and I do a much deeper dive into the challenging and controversial concept of ‘alpha’ as an instinct that we all possess. This episode has been recorded and will be published July 21.
Plus another conversation along the way with Dr. Maggie Goldsmith—where we dive into the topic of “surrender” and what this might look like (and what it doesn’t) for parents of trans-identified kiddos. This one is scheduled to publish July 28.
I sure hope you’re experiencing your life as breathtakingly beautiful! If so, I’d love to hear more about how you got there in the comments. If not, I would ask you two questions:
Are you interested in a breathtakingly beautiful life? (It might be surprising and worth exploring whatever comes up for you when you ask yourself this question. If what comes up is “of course,” then,
What would it take for you to start moving toward that?
https://the-stoicmom-project.mn.co/ for more info on the SMP online community
Depth Coaching Readiness a quiz to determine whether you might be ready for depth coaching with Stoicmom.
Faith. In myself, my kids, my spouse. In the -mostly- goodness of life.