Is this group for me if...?

the last planned clarification piece for the new Founding Member tier

This post was written when the community was originally being launched in the fall of 2022. You no longer access it through Substack. It’s now housed on Mighty Networks, and members complete this application to be considered for membership. The helpful concepts along the way is now the Foundations Course that is only available to the community members in our Mighty Network.

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Here’s the promised FAQ and anticipated questions page for the new Founding Member tier of The StoicMom Project. I expect this will be the last post to support you to a decision if you’re still on the fence. You’ll quickly see that this group is not for everyone! If you have any remaining questions, let’s get them answered. I’m ready to be done inviting and to get this party started! 

Photo by Ali Kazal on Unsplash

So here goes:  

“Is this group for me if…

-rage, desperation, and/or other extreme negative emotions are still my primary feelings when I think about my trans-identified child?” 

Deciding you’re ready for a different experience is the first, and maybe the most important step toward creating one. If you’re struggling to know where to start, the helpful concepts along the way content may be very beneficial for you, and engaging live in the content shows a commitment to yourself. Surrounding yourself with others who have decided and are working toward the same goal may be one of the most powerful ways to create enduring change. 

That said, it can be difficult to move beyond these negative feelings if they’ve become your constant companions and this is your habitual state. It’s going to take some effort to change your experience, and you’ll need to really want it. I would say these feelings are totally justified, and you’re certainly entitled to them! But if they’ve become chronic and are making you unhealthy, then it might be time to try something different. 

For the sake of the other group members, I would discourage you from joining until you’re really ready for a change. 

-my main goal right now is to get my child to desist/detransition?” 

This is probably not the group for you. The aim of the learning and group meetings will be to reframe what’s happening as an invitation to focus on healing and personal growth. We’ll likely spend quite a bit of time distinguishing what is and is not within our control. 

I certainly don’t want to diminish this goal. I understand it and it drove my own thoughts and behavior for a number of years. There are many of us now for whom this approach just continuously backfired.

So, while we may discuss strategy and ways to influence our children, the focus will be on modeling and healthy relationships; on healing ourselves rather than trying to fix our loved ones.

-I’m already having a different experience and am focused on the things in my life I can control?” 

You’d be most welcome in this group! Having a community with others who value and are engaged in a similar approach can help you feel confident you’re on the right track. It gives you the opportunity to support others and be supported. Even if you’re naturally growth-oriented and have healthy relationships, this can still be an incredibly lonely experience when you struggle to find real life connections with those who can understand what it’s like to be a non-affirming parent of a trans-identified young person. 

-I am not interested in 1 on 1 coaching?”

Coaching isn’t for everyone! There is no pressure to say yes to 1:1 coaching with StoicMom. When I reach out to you initially, I make it very easy for you to opt out of the waitlist. Or you could be added to the waitlist and take some time to think about it. When your name reaches the top of the waitlist, and there’s an opening, StoicMom will reach out to invite you to a complimentary discovery session. You can say no at this point, or accept the session to see if, after having a conversation with StoicMom, you think you may want to say, yes. I feel it’s a very low-pressure call, yet, I’ve had very few say no–this is something to keep in mind when accepting the invitation to a discovery call. Feel free to decline the discovery session to avoid being tempted. You can still benefit greatly from connecting with other growth-oriented parents and engaging in the calls and forums! 

-I don’t want to or can’t come to the live (zoom) events?”

I plan to take this one up at the initial Founding Members meeting on November 6 with those who’ve recognized the value of joining this group. FMs will help to co-create the structure and offerings for this tier. If members are comfortable with recording live events and publishing those events (exclusively) to the FM tier, then we’ll do that. 

We’ll also decide at that meeting what will be the best platform for an asynchronous forum. The interaction in this forum will be determined by the growth-oriented values (like ‘curiosity’ and ‘compassion’) and agreements we establish at that first meeting. I believe that even if the live events don’t work for you, creating connections with other growth-oriented, non-affirming parents through the forum is hugely beneficial to having a different experience. 

-I’m already a coaching client?” 

I adore every single one of my clients! I’ve been trying to imagine a way for them to graduate that doesn’t also end our relationship. I also know that even if you feel like you’ve accomplished the goals you came to coaching to achieve, even if you’ve tested your wings and are feeling pretty good about your ability to fly, it can be really difficult to leap out of the nest for good. This is just one more reason that I’m so excited about this community! Having this group to transition into, to reinforce the work we’ve done, as a way to even mentor other parents going through a similar healing journey as you’ve experienced through coaching—imagining coaching graduates contributing their brilliance to the group has been a driving force in my growing excitement for this community! 

Even if you’re a relatively new client, and haven’t even determined your graduation goals yet, participating in the forums, the content, and the live events would only reinforce everything you’re doing in session and in practice between sessions. While I don’t want to pressure you, I hope you’ll truly consider being part of this group! 

-my focus is on activism and changing legislation and organizational policy around ‘transgender rights’?”

Thank you for the work you’re doing! This is an important role for those who have the capacity and inclination toward this type of work. While you’re still welcome here if you’re also on a healing journey and doing the inner work often described at the SMP, this is not a place to seek support toward your activism. As already described, the focus of this group will be on “changing the world by changing our inner world.” 

I’m happy to amplify activist messages on other platforms (specifically Twitter since StoicMom doesn’t have a presence on others,) but activism messages would be a distraction from the focus of this group. I discourage you from joining if your purpose to do so is to extend your activist reach. 

-I recently purchased an annual paid subscription to the SMP?”

If you’ve recently purchased an annual or monthly plan, Substack automatically applies at least some of what you’ve already paid toward an upgrade to Founding Member. I don’t know the exact cut-off for when they stop applying or how they pro-rate what you’ve contributed already. I’m in the process of trying to discover these answers. I’ll update this answer when I have these details! I know some who upgraded within a few weeks of their initial paid subcription date have had the entire amount previously collected applied to the upgrade.

-I’m in one or more other groups for the parents of trans-identified kids and I’m not interested in more of the same?” 

I do hope at this point in this post, you’re seeing how different this group will be. We’ll have a more narrow focus than the groups that I’ve visited. I think there is benefit to all types of groups, but I know for my own mental health, I can no longer participate in groups that feel like “co-rumination.” This will also not be the place to go for support to talk to school personnel or medical professionals (other than learning more about needs-based communication.) This group is all about healing and personal growth and how to be in unconditional relationship with our selves and our loved ones. 

Finally, I want to be very upfront about what I consider the ultimate reframe and will certainly be a cornerstone of this group. The content and communication strategies will be rooted in the values of compassion and curiosity. We’ll work to view the world through what I like to call a needs-based lens. It basically sounds like this: 

“Every human is just doing the best they can to get their needs met with their current knowledge and skillset.”

If this doesn’t resonate for you, if you have a different worldview, I wish you all the best! I can also tell you that this group would not feel like a good fit for you.

But if you’re ready for more curiosity and (self) compassion, if you’re ready to take charge of the quality of your life (or you already have), if you’re ready to be in community with others who are sick and tired of being mad and scared all the time, I hope you’ll say “yes” to yourself and come “along the way” with us:

To join the community, be sure to choose the “Founding Member” tier. I am eager to connect with you soon, whether in the forums or on November 6!