February '24 in the SMP
Some thoughts on control, resistance, agency…
We were exploring the theme of “examining our stories” at Sunday’s monthly meeting, and the topic turned to control–specifically, the difference between control and agency. This felt synchronistic since I wasn’t the one who’d brought this up but I’d posted a note on Substack earlier that morning (which is incredibly rare for me–posting notes on Substack):
I find myself really adverse to the idea of control. I don’t even want to attempt to control myself (I know I’ll just rebel.) This is a shift from a previous Stoic tenet I adopted: we don’t have control over external circumstances, just over how we respond to them. I think any time we attempt to control, then we’re in conflict with something, we’re resisting or pushing against. And what we resist, persists.
I do, however, think it’s important to recognize where we have agency. So rather than think about whether I’m in control of my life, I want to take responsibility for the quality of my experience. It’s in this orientation that I have agency, yet I’m no longer in resistance. I can allow and examine my natural responses to what appears in my life and use this information toward deeper self-awareness and inner peace.
Because of it’s relevance to the meeting conversation, I reposted it within our Mighty Network, and a mom who wasn’t able to be at the live meeting responded with this comment (shared with permission):
Isn't this idea the very heart of the TG agenda? Someone trying to control their body (hormones and surgery) to force an impossible experience (to BE the opposite sex) while also trying to control their external environment (through forcing others to use their preferred pronouns, to the point of governmental interference). Rather than taking responsibility for their underlying mental and emotional well being, ie agency.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that this idea of control versus agency…(is at the) very heart of just about every challenge humanity faces. Looking inwards to find how we contribute to the problem is messy, painful and not nearly as alluring as blaming the "Other" for our problems.
And all I can do, and the very best thing I can do for everyone around me, is recognize where I have the choice to accept what is, and respond from a place of connection to myself and my inner peace and wisdom. It's always there, always, I just have to make the choice in the moment to connect and embody that part of myself. The angry resentful part is so much louder though...
Hmm. If she’s right (and I tend to agree with her) that control vs agency may be at the heart of humanity’s challenges, how different might the world look if more of us had the courage to look inward and do that messy, painful work to discover how we contribute to the problem?
Where are we trying to exert control over ourselves and others rather than exercising our agency to respond with maturity, “from a place of connection…it’s always there, always.”
Have you discovered your own inner peace and wisdom? Are you finding that there’s lots of noise blocking your connection? Do you have ways to quiet that noise so you can choose your response rather than having your emotions determine your response for you?
The Community
Also during Sunday’s meeting, after a couple of our longtime members shared their response to the discussion prompt, a relative newcomer exclaimed this:
“Wow. You could all be amazing guests on Gender: A Wider Lens!”
When I reached out to this mom for permission to use her comment, she responded with, “Absolutely! I totally endorse this statement. This meeting lifted my mood and put me in a better mindset for the day.” (Again, shared with permission.) “if any of this encourages more moms to join the circle of the SMP and reframe the struggle we share, I’m down for it.”
I have to say that I’m incredibly proud of this community and the culture we’ve created! I may have launched the thing, but it’s the moms in there who have committed to do that brave work–of relinquishing control in favor of agency–that make it the supportive haven that it has become.
If you’re thinking you might be ready to use this circumstance as rich ground to examine how to tap into your inner peace and wisdom that’s “always there” (if you know how to tend to and sooth the angry, resentful—and I’d add, fearful—part) we’d love to have you join us.
While needs and offerings are always evolving, know that we have a fabulous leadership/mediator team who meets regularly to discuss. (A public shout-out to these four amazing moms who help me stay grounded and attuned to the community needs!) Once inside, you’ll currently find:
A discussion feed where members can create posts, share resources, and engage with each other in the comment sections. One of our leaders posts a Weekly Check-in thread in here where moms can share current challenges and insights they’re experiencing.
The 3-module Foundations Course (formerly helpful concepts along the way and now only available within the community.)
Learning Clubs that do deep dives into content. If something is inspiring you and you think others would benefit, you’re invited to launch your own book club or class. As long as it aligns with the guiding principles of the community, we can create a dedicated space for you to share your offering. Right now there are a couple peer-led MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) cohorts, and there’s always excited and grateful buzz about how these groups are doing.
Resource rooms dedicated to specific growth-oriented topics (Parenting; Life, Meaning, and Purpose; Radical Acceptance; Compassion and Forgiveness; Changing the Story)
Advance notice when an expert guest will be interviewed for conversations along the way. Members get the opportunity to research the guest and submit questions for the Q&A portion of those interviews.
A number of touch points where members can come together via Zoom and be in live community. Currently, I personally offer two times each month to come together and discuss/practice with the month’s theme. (Right now we’re working our way through the Foundations Course.)
Beginning in March, I’m adding a 2x/monthly daytime meeting that will have a different format than the weekend/evening meetings. I imagine this being a time for members to share insights and celebrations, engage in some Q&A, and see what comes alive for us during the meeting for discussion. Nurturing this community that is making such a difference is among my top priorities. I’ve given it a lot of thought and know the only sustainable way for me to do this is to block time on my monthly coaching calendar to dedicate to the community and this new offering.
Depending on how open and committed you are to engaging and learning with the other moms, being part of this community has the power to transform the experience you’re having. With this new offering being launched in March, I’m also increasing the price. (Existing members remain at the price they originally came in on.) Currently it costs $295 for annual membership and that also gets you an annual paid subscription to this Substack. Beginning March 1, membership will go up to $395/annually. (There is a monthly option, but unfortunately, I can’t include the Substack subscription with this option.)
If you’d like to lock in your membership to this private, vetted community of moms at the lower price, here’s that application again. Please read the application carefully and ensure that it aligns well with your values and needs. For it to work like it does, the culture is very important! Our focus is NOT on how to get your child to desist but on helping you to expand your capacity for something as messy and hard as parenting a trans-identified adolescent/adult in today’s upside-down world.
Another comment on the control vs agency thread, by a mom who was at the meeting and who initiated the topic during our discussion:
It was a very interesting conversation. There are so many different ways you can apply the control vs. agency lens. I think about my family dynamic - immediate and extended, my relationship with the medical establishment, my relationship with the schools, etc.
I think about how it felt as if I had lost all control over my life. And then I would say "control is an illusion" - true but depressing and not at all empowering. But if you say, I may not have control over outcomes, but I have agency over myself - that feels empowering. It's a path towards taking our power back.
Has the time come for you to take your power back? Feel free to reply to this email with sensitive questions or use the comment section of this post to ask questions that others may also have and would benefit from discovering the answers to.
If you’re ready, we’d love to welcome you in.
Wow, you got some really brilliant moms in your group! ;-)