December '24 in the SMP

human fantasies

Good Moms

A quick footnote to my most recent article: The only thing I can do for you… (I’m actually pretty sure it belongs as a footnote to pretty much all my content.)

I know that I’ve become consistent, insistent, and persistent in my message that there is much benefit to recognizing this circumstance as a call to tend to your own inner world. And that nothing will match the power of a destabilizing parenting situation to humble us and blast our foundations out from under us in such a way that it will, at some point, become too painful to not heed the call.

So here’s a little tip I want to share:

It’s actually time to stop being a good mom. I know that may sound alarming, but here’s my reasoning: a large part of our pain and suffering emerges from what this circumstance does to our identities as “good moms.” It tends to rip this identity right out of our desperately tight grasp, fling it to the floor (after smacking it against the wall a few times) and stomp on it. Then it teases us, “oh, you want to be a good mom? Then you need to figure out how to get your kid to desist.” Or even, “then you need fix your connection and ensure your child feels ‘loved, held, guided, and never alone.’”

I know this may sound like you’re getting mixed messages from me. But I’ve come to believe that part of this work is giving up on this attachment to being a good mom. It’s fraught with all kinds of ways to torture yourself and keep you feeling unworthy of a full life.

What would open up for you if you let this go? And tweaked your identity to be something more like a “normal mom” or a “human mom” or even “more than a mom”? Because here’s the truth: none of us are good moms. At least not all the time. Maybe a better way to say it is we’re all both good moms and bad moms. That probably stung too, huh? Aaagh, this honesty stuff sucks sometimes!

The bottom line, though, is that we all bring our own baggage into this mothering thing and we’re all gonna mess it up at times. Plus human childhood is inherently painful. There’s no way around it. We have an imperative as parents to model a human experience, and every single one of us will accomplish this whether we like it or not.

I believe when we say “good mom” what we really mean is Supermom. And Supermom fits in the same category as Santa Claus. Part of maturing is recognizing this fantasy and embracing your own humanity. It’s hard to extend grace to others when you can’t even offer it to yourself. I hope you give yourself a little grace for Christmas this year—and maybe even hang onto it for awhile!

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Attachment Matters

In case you missed it, Rose and I wrapped up Season One of Attachment Matters with this episode (rumor has it this one’s worth multiple listenings):

Ep 14: Life is Gonna Have its Way (I linked the SMP Youtube channel here. Could you help a mama out and subscribe? My YT numbers are abysmal!)

Rose and I will return in the new year with all new episodes of Attachment Matters—which we hope to relaunch on its own platform with extra features to support you in your commitment to continued nurturance of healthy attachment. I promise I’ll keep you posted so you know where to find this podcast when we return to the airwaves in 2025.

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Speaking of 2025 (and the recent lack of audio content)

The coming year for the SMP is not yet in full focus, the vision forming but still unclear. Much gratitude to those who recognize the vital support the SMP offers parents of TI kids, and who’ve expressed interest in collaborating and contributing some of their precious time and creative energy to support me and the Project’s impact!

This past fall I decided to adhere to an ambitious podcast publishing schedule and for awhile there, I managed to publish an episode each Sunday. While I absolutely love facilitating conversations to offer to the SMP subscribership and have received tremendous feedback on both the Attachment Matters series and conversations with stoic mamas, as well as the occasional expert interview, what goes into creating this audio content currently consumes more time and energy than I can reasonably devote to it on a weekly basis.

I’ll admit that my current favorite fantasy involves being able to return to this schedule because I’m able to outsource some of the podcast tasks. (I’d like to think this one’s not in the same category as Santa Claus.) I’d be exceptionally picky about who I’d let close to this (If you or someone you know is pretty tech savvy and thinks helping me produce this sensitive content sounds like a fun side gig, please respond to this email and let’s talk!) But for the time being, the podcasts will be published less frequently and go back to being somewhat sporadic—at least until I get the new year mapped out and determine how best to allocate resources. I wish I could keep up the current pacing, but alas, it seems that I, too, am only human.

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Scholarships to the SMP Center

I’m so excited to announce that our scholarship program is finally in place and we’re ready to start admitting moms on the waitlist as funds allow! The SMP Center is a private, vetted community of mamas of TI kids who are committed to growing through this destabilizing circumstance together. In the Center, mamas are encouraged to focus on their inner work and family attachments rather than on their child(ren)’s desistance/detransition. The Center is also a learning environment with plenty of rich discussion, monthly themes to support growth, and live meetings to build community wisdom.

For some moms, this has been a lifeline that has helped to repair relationships and restore stability and quality of life. For others, it has been a place to offer their unique wisdom and skillset to mamas who are still recovering solid ground. And for some it’s been both. I’m so moved by the transformations I’ve been fortunate to witness and beyond grateful to those who stick around and continue to sprinkle their magic throughout the community! (Don’t get me wrong here, I also love when a mama feels she no longer needs the community and is ready to leave this gender world behind.)

In the early days of this Substack (before it was even called the StoicMom Project and was just Stoicmom’s Newsletter,) I collected many of the comments left by subscribers that expressed gratitude and made it clear to me that moms were craving something different, something honest and hopeful and that could help to restore a sense of agency. Most of the content here has always been free, and this past spring, I paused subscriptions and stopped putting paywalls on any of the SMP content. Up until now, this has been the best way I could support mamas without the financial means for 1:1 coaching or community dues.

With this scholarship program, the SMP can now offer membership into the Center for moms who are ready to dive in and get the most from the resources and community support, but don’t have the financial means to pay the dues. I would ask that if you have received value from this content and you’d like to express your appreciation by supporting the SMP, that you consider contributing to the 2025 Scholarship Fund where every dollar that’s received will go toward gifting a mama access to the SMP Center. I’m really excited to offer those who wish to express appreciation for this Substack’s content, a way to do so that not only supports the resilience of the project but also provides a mama in need access to more direct support.

(While truly, any amount helps, $595 sponsors a mama in the community for an entire year. Smaller donations accumulate until an annual membership can be awarded. If you’d like more information about what scholarship requirements look like so you know what you’re supporting, please contact me at stoicmom@protonmail.com or simply reply to this newsletter.)

My deepest gratitude to those who’ve already given to the 2025 fund! To make a contribution, you can do that here:

SMP Center 2025 Scholarship Fund

To apply to be a member of the SMP Center and to be considered for a scholarship, please go to:

bit.ly/SMPCenter

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Photo by May Gauthier on Unsplash

And, of course—Happy Holidays!

I find the holiday season tends to be rich with valuable information about ourselves and our relationships. May you approach the upcoming weeks with curiosity and grace and know that the feelings stirred in you as you navigate whatever the season brings your way, are pure gold! (If you know what to do with them.)

Merry, merry! And much love,

Stoicmom