Dear Mama, part two

(the impact)

A famous quote by Viktor Frankl echoes the ancient Stoics,

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves”

In part one of this letter, (finding a way forward) I talked about how things changed for me when I reoriented to this circumstance with my daughter's identity. To accomplish a sense of agency, I turned my attention to the things I could change about myself. I was surprised by how much this changed my experience of the world.

I went from feeling like I was a small, impotent being who lived in a hostile world to orienting toward the beauty and exquisite complexity of Life, recognizing with awe that I am part of this exquisiteness.  That we all are and that this shift in orientation is available to anyone (if we know about it, want it, and choose to do the work to make the shift happen; it takes some serious intention and commitment, and often a little assistance from others who can help us with our blind spots and be with us through the uncomfortable feelings.)

In this new way of being, almost like magic, I could sense that others responded to me very differently. I became more attuned to what made us similar rather than what divided us, recognizing that we're all just muddling through Life as best we can. As compassion toward myself and others grew, the hostility that I was so sure was there before seemed to slip out of my experience. Certainly, I was choosing different environments for myself, but it amazed me how completely this shifted.

And when it came to my family members, including my trans-identified daughter, I consciously adjusted my lens to focus on their very human drives to do well in the world—to be useful and valued; I determined to convey my faith in all of them through my energy and behavior. It was difficult to see at first. I had to work to remember this is human nature, and my kids and my husband are as human as anyone. Yet the more I practiced this, the more I experienced them living into this story of capacity, creating the most incredible feedback loop. My daughter now recognizes in herself the scrappiness and resilience of "a wildflower growing through concrete."

What if whether we believe our children are doomed or we believe they'll find their way, we're right? This is tricky stuff—especially if things look really messy and frightening in the current moment—it might even require a bit of a spiritual reorientation, definitely patience for the long game, lots of flexibility around what “find their way” means, and faith in our own capacity to be there for them when things fall apart—as they inevitably will, because, well, Life.

Remember that terrifying line in Poltergeist, "It knows what scares you"? Might this be the Universe inviting us into a new relationship with our fears? To expand and get bigger than this thing that has wreaked such havoc on families and their way of being… What if we create our own heaven and hell in our lives (the Stoics and other ancients believed this too) and the only thing that determines which we're experiencing is how our minds and hearts are oriented in the world?

Photo by Anika Huizinga on Unsplash

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -Anais Nin

I've come to believe that this is how we really change the world. Maybe by changing how we experience the world, we can make it a little less scary for our kids who feel the need to cloak themselves in trans armor to get through their days. If you’re feeling a bit lost and unsure how to find the off ramp out of your own personal hellscape, I’d be honored to talk with you and see if I can help.

Love,

Stoicmom

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