Hope everyone had the chance this past holiday week to take stock of what you’re grateful for and to make moments that will be remembered fondly. I know I did, even though my plans changed wildly!
I’m reading an amazing book right now. Only about halfway through, but it’s really inspiring lots of topic ideas as it reinforces so much of what I feel I’ve learned over the years of navigating life with a trans-identified child, along with all the other destabilizing aspects of the world we currently inhabit. For today’s message, I’m going to borrow some of the author’s words on rumination. (Dr. Lisa J Miller, founder of the Spirituality Mind Body Institute at Columbia U.)
I think many of us have, in our intense research to understand our children, come across the accepted awareness that women are prone to rumination, much more so than men–generally speaking, of course. This book I’m reading—The Awakened Brain, by Dr. Miller—captures this understanding and expands with some detail that I doubt will surprise any of my readers; yet I think it can be helpful to read her descriptions and remind ourselves, maybe even deepen our understanding of what it means to ruminate and the consequences of this practice. (Yes, it’s a practice which means we can practice something else should we choose…)
The tendency to ruminate–to go down a rabbit hole of unrelenting thoughts and questions–only worsens a depressed mood, in part because the negative content of the thoughts reinforces the negative mood, but also because the process of rumination is passive and repetitive.
Miller goes on to highlight that we engage in rumination for the purpose of achieving new insights about ourselves and our situations, but if we’re in a depressed state, rather than being helpful,
…it impairs problem-solving, deters social support, and fuels a brooding sense of low self-worth.
I believe most of us recognize that rumination– and maybe even more insidiously, co-rumination–plays a strong factor in the identities our children adopt to cope in the world, yet so many of us are engaged in exactly this.
It’s certainly important to find others who can understand the deep pain we’re experiencing. It can be helpful for awhile to express our fury at the influences that have led our families to their current conditions, but eventually this type of “being seen” reinforces the dark emotional state and creates an exhausting downward spiral that joy can no longer penetrate. Miller again,
Depression reinforces rumination, and rumination reinforces depression. Perhaps this feedback loop helped explain what our field call(s) the “kindling” hypothesis, the idea that while initial lifetime episodes of depression or other mood disorders are typically associated with major life stresses…later recurrences of depression are less likely to be associated with a specific life event…Molehills become mountains. And with each depressive episode, the threshold for experiencing depression drops…Depression might start as a single response to a difficult life event, but over time it becomes a go-to response.
Here’s the hard truth as I see it: we live in a time of intensely chaotic and painful change. Our kids have brought this chaos into our homes, but I think it’s coming for everyone—in some form. We can rail against the systems, and yes, maybe we’re gaining ground on the gender topic, but conquering that beast doesn’t solve the larger issues that created the context from which it emerged.
Oddly enough, I don’t consider this depressing. I believe it’s an opportunity. Actually, more of an invitation–or an even stronger word and concept, an initiation. I still have so much more to say on this idea of destabilizing events as initiation, (and you can be certain I’ll be referencing Miller’s book again) but for now, I just want to assure you that on the other side of initiation is a reorientation toward Life that is difficult to describe, it’s so profoundly different. It’s not pain free by any means. In fact, there’s still tragedy and sadness; the horrors of the world clearly don’t cease, but they exist amidst the wonders of Life and they dance with the light and joy and humbling moments of awe, laughter and deep love that come with an open heart.
Many ancient wisdom figures (Buddha, Jesus, Rumi, the Stoics, etc.) and the not-so-ancient (Carl Jung, Viktor Frankl, Thich Nhat Hanh, I may even include Lisa Miller here, etc.) recognized some version of this truth: Our experience isn’t elevated by attacking the collective. Whatever social change may be accomplished through our efforts becomes the new collective prison. To accomplish a life well-lived, we must individuate from the collective machine. Freedom only comes from changing our inner world and that’s no easy task. Most of us will avoid this as long as possible, the inspiration to finally do so born out of unbearable emotional pain a.k.a. the initiation. It’s messy as all hell, but what emerges as a result is oh-so-worth it! We have many symbols of this: the Phoenix, the diamond, the butterfly.
I guess I’d ask you to consider whether you’re keeping yourself trapped in the chrysalis? What happens if you don’t figure out how to rise from the ashes?
Okay. Wow. I didn’t mean to climb up on my soapbox in this one. I mostly wanted to get you thinking about whether you’re continuing to strengthen the rumination wrinkles of your brain and if so, whether you’re ready to try practicing something different?
We’re in the final stretch of November. The sale price on the SMP community expires on the 30th. ($210 for an annual membership; regularly $255) I have to thank a community member for inspiring the topic of rumination with this testimonial:
Parenting a trans-identified child is one of the most isolating and lonely experiences I have been through and it has caused me to question every move I've made as a mother up to this point. When I first found out my son was identifying as the opposite gender in online discord groups, and exploring options for socially and medically transitioning, I was filled with anxiety and a crippling sense of failure. I hit the internet quickly looking for answers and learned about ROGD and found plenty of online groups for parents with a similar experience. While it was initially comforting to know that I wasn't alone, and to learn that this "phenomenon" did certainly seem to be a social contagion, I eventually found the constant rumination in these groups to be causing me much mental anguish. I needed something to help me grow through and out of this, because trans was taking my spirit and joy away, and I wanted a way to separate my son's journey from mine. I found what I needed in the SMP Community, the same kind of like minded women to glean that comfort I need, but without the negative co-rumination, we support and lift one another, we understand and provide ideas and feedback. There are valuable learning and growth materials in the space to support our growth as individuals. And I don't have to doubt myself as a mother anymore, I have come to understand that we are all doing the very best we can for our kids, and eventually it's just time to let them live their lives and figure things out for themselves. I'm thankful for the friends and support of the SMP Community. -Donna, mother of a 19YO TID son
Being in growth-oriented community is one of the most powerful ways to keep us on track toward becoming our best and highest selves. Along with other amazing moms who recognize the invitation to emerge from this painful experience as initiates to “a life well-lived”, you will find resources and learning groups that can meet you where you currently are. (Unless where you want to be is angry at the world. If this is your comfort zone and you’re not interested in changing this, I would encourage you to find other groups that can meet you here. The SMP is not that place. Also know that the other moms in there know how to recognize self-flagellation and will encourage you to lighten up on yourself.) To request to join this private and vetted community, please complete this application.
If you think it might be helpful to start with some 1:1 time to support you to discover and dismantle your unique blocks to a life well-lived, feel free to complete this interest form and set up a complimentary discovery session with me. I have room in my practice right now for a handful of new clients. Here’s a recent testimonial from a mom who is rediscovering her own capacity to fully embrace Life:
Working with StoicMom has been a transformative experience for me. Her ability to listen without judgement and provide insightful perspectives has been instrumental in helping me navigate the challenges of my daughters mental health issues and as well as the gender identity maze. I am incredibly thankful for the safe space she provides me to explore my thoughts and feelings.
Your professionalism, kindness, and dedication to helping others is amazing. You have been an integral part of my journey towards personal growth and healing. You have not only helped me navigate this challenge but have also equipped me with the tools to better understand myself and manage all types of difficulties more effectively. I am incredibly thankful!
I could go on forever …I am truly indebted to you!
I do not require moms to do both coaching and the community as some coaches might. Some choose to do both while others pick the one that feels most beneficial to start. What I do strongly encourage is checking in with your heart and moving toward something which feels a little scary or intimidating. That’s usually a sign that there’s something valuable there for you. It may not be the SMP, but please listen to “the call.” Your time for breaking free from that which binds you may be nearer than you think…
kill this ugly beast (I hit send before finishing my sentence!).
The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it, just set it loose!
I hope you can join me in speaking the truth.
Hi StoicMom,
I DEFINITELY remember those days of obsessive rumination after my son told me he was “transgender” (there is no such thing). That was way back in 2015 when the only resource was 4thwavenow.com. I spent hours deep in the early morning hours reading, reading, reading because sleep was impossible. As more and more desperate families emerged, there was so much information to read and research, that I did indeed realize that it was becoming an obsession that was destroying my mental health. I would unsubscribe from everything, only to return and begin all over again. I sunk into such a depression that I became unrecognizable to my family, friends, and most importantly to myself. I really wanted to die. Well, actually I just wanted to escape the pain and death seemed to be the only option.
My other child and grandchild were the only reasons I did not choose that option. That misery lasted a very long time and cost thousands of dollars on doctors, drugs, therapy and alternative treatments. In December 2021, I made a decision. I would not let 2022 begin in that state of mind. My son had made a tragic choice but not organically. It was engineered by a cult like ideology accessed and binged on by the internet. This ideology has seeped deeply into our education system, the media, our politics and most frighteningly, our medical profession. Now our minor children and young adults are allowed to permanently rearrange their physical bodies to achieve a fantasy and the horrific consequences be damned.
There is so little evidence based science to support this “gender affirming care” (doesn’t that sound so good and positive?), that we are truly experimenting on our children.
I am no longer depressed, nor suicidal.
I am mad as hell. We’ve talked several times before and I really do appreciate what you’re trying to do to help us parents out of this nightmare, but I’ll say it again.... I have no time to grow and transcend out of this. It needs to stop and it’s going to take all of us to accomplish it. Speaking the truth had rescued me. I speak out at every opportunity. To school boards, politicians, journalists.....anyone who is curious. I don’t waste my time on those who are completely captured. But just doing SOMETHING keeps the grief, sadness and depression at bay.
I just hope your clients and readers, if they are able, will join the fight in addition to doing their important work with you. It’s going to take all of us to