An All New Head and Heart Space

a guest story

The new vision for the SMP Substack is to become a collection of transformation stories. A place to house the stories of parents who are moving through or feel they’ve emerged out the other side of “the dark night of the soul” that discovering one or more of our children have assumed trans-identities can plunge us into.

Like each human, each story submitted will be both completely unique and highly resonant to the pain so many parents have endured through this circumstance. The focus of each story that you’ll read here on the SMP is the author’s internal shift that has impacted their external experience in often surprising ways.

Here, it is the growth angle that we’re interested in spreading: discovering how to grow bigger than our problems so we’re able to stretch ourselves in the ways we must to make enough room in our experience for those we love. How else do we keep our families together during these divisive times?

To collect these stories, I’ve created a template with some prompts. The block quotes are the responses submitted by this story’s author. It takes great courage to share vulnerable details.

As you read this mama’s story, I think you’ll quickly recognize the vital importance driving her to seek a new way to be in relationship with this thing. I so love her frank honesty and how her story illustrates the benefits of moving toward our difficult feelings (like anger) to learn what they’re trying to communicate: in her case the need for healthier boundaries. I want to express my deepest gratitude to this mama for her dedication to her own growth and her relationship with her daughter, and for being willing to share with the SMP audience how her change of focus is supporting her health and blossoming wellbeing.

The Before

What are the relevant context details to your story? What is important for the reader to know about you, your family, and your relationship with your child(ren) for them to understand the impact of your shift?

I think that every parent of a TID kid experiences innumerable emotions of resistance and pushback to the small and large triggers that surround this experience. I often felt physical pain- my chest tightening, breathlessness, a sensation like my throat was getting squeezed, as well as swells of sobbing. It feels like the triggers could be simple or complex, like my child's choice of hair, clothing, social media information, driving by our high school, or fear and projection when reading about TID issues. For me, the painful physicality always smoldered like anger... most days, I felt like I couldn't get out from under it. The first year, I lost about 1/2 of my hair. The last year or so, I have had new onset high blood pressure. I ached emotionally, but I also ached physically.

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The Shift

What caused the shift? Was it an "aha" moment? Was it something you learned somewhere? Was it a dream or an awareness that seemed to come from within? For this to be appropriate for the SMP, this shift needs to pertain to your inner world and result in a change in YOU.

I think my shift came in 2 parts. Initially I responded in a way of anger-mitigated separation from my kid. It was somewhat immature in tone- "you're not taking me down with you", "put on my own oxygen mask first- but I am not making any effort to help you with your oxygen"- a lot of F*@# you feelings rooted in 'blaming' my kid for the fractious and agonizing changes in our family and in my loss. However, this strong, angry period did help me shape a few boundaries that I struggled with. I was harboring a lot of anger around feeling like a doormat: unclear financial boundaries, caving in to her unrealistic expectations, tolerating a lot of lying and deception, experiencing very little basic respect extended to me, etc.

Out of my anger came a much better sense of what I was willing to do, and finding my strength in being able to express these boundaries without losing control or fighting. I know now that if I hadn't felt a sense of 'it's you versus me', I might not have had the awareness that I needed to fight for myself…even if it felt like I didn't care about her feelings or needs. It also prompted my awareness that I really needed to get my own life, goals and sense of self back. I started to take care of myself.

The second part of the shift came about in the last 6 months. The landslide of TID choices my daughter has made (social, physical, medical, now legal) has finally made me realize the I never had, or never could alter the course of her decisions in the way I always hoped, struggled and thought I could do. This is it's own grief, enormous for sure.

But here it is, the absolute worst-case scenario. And weirdly, it has made me softer towards her, and me, and us. I do sense myself 'dropping the rope" of the tug of war between me and the trans-machine. The impotence has been horrible, it is so sad, but not angry. I feel like I am standing in my sadness, instead of pushing it away. I feel less activated. And, I am less activated with my kid. AND, I keep my sadness away from her. I am able to be in relationship with her now with less resistance.

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The Impact

How has your experience changed since "the shift"? Do you feel lighter? Softer? Stronger? All three or would you describe your feelings differently? Are you parenting differently? Are you showing up differently in other relationships? Do you feel you're operating more authentically? Has your fear reduced? Has your focus shifted? These are just a few questions to help you describe the impact but feel free to share anything that you see has changed for you in what feels like healthy ways.

Softness, lightness and strength definitely feel like good descriptors of my head and heart space right now. For example, I have had a tough relationship with my mom, and I feel like I am giving myself more space around her triggers, and this has meant less time ruminating, living in the past, blaming my upbringing, etc. It also has made me act a bit more kindly towards her. I have a really strong self-critical nature, and recently I have been more balanced and compassionate towards myself and my parenting especially.

I have also had a strong softening for trans kids. This feels different than my previous prejudice that it's 'us versus them'- activism, propagation of social media messages, etc... In the past, I have cheered on policies and voices pushing back against medicalization. But somehow my focus has changed. I am not paying attention to the politics; I am just thinking about the kids, suffering in different ways, but aware that they are someone's kids, looking for the same thing my kid is looking for. It's a different kind of pain, but feels more aligned to my desire to be a whole, loving and connected individual.

I am also doing stuff for myself- taking more yoga classes, doing real planning for my future, allowing more frivolity, and communicating this self-care to my daughter. I don't wake up at 3 am with my heart racing. I still ruminate on trans issues and my daughter's choices, of course. But, I consume very little social media, or delve into politics around trans issues.

This past weekend, I visited my kiddo at school for a college orchestra concert. I prepared myself in advance for seeing her play, knowing how masculine she would appear. The preparation helped me move into enjoying her success and clear joy in playing. Afterwards, I took her and some friends out to dinner. The waiter and friends easily use male pronouns, and I found that I felt more dislike around it than horror. It felt better to watch the kids enjoy each other and their meal, and to feel grateful to be able to be part of it. This is all new for me, and what I hope to continue feeling going forward.

Photo by cyrus gomez on Unsplash

StoicMom’s reader prompts for self-discovery:

Are your family circumstances impacting your physical health? How would you describe your current head and heart space? Is this something you’re interested in shifting? What would happen if you softened?